Wouldn’t Be Dead For Quids

Dave gave me his card to go shopping to buy nice things for our home. His house was still reeling from bachelor days when I moved in and would’ve appreciated what is commonly known as the woman’s touch. Vases, candles, cushions, fluffy rugs, those sorts of things which many men don’t tend to purchase but, for some inexplicable reason make women deeply content, were completely absent. He said as he handed me his card, ‘Here Babe, go work your magic.’ So I did. I hopped in the car and headed straight to Super Amart with a list in my head, one I’d prepared earlier.

Two hours later after much deliberation on pulling together perfectly the look I was wanting to achieve, one that encapsulated manliness for Dave, colour for me, coolness for my kids, coastal for the location, a touch of Balinese, exotica, vintage and of course my favourite, the zebra pattern, I found myself standing at the checkout beaming. I was an excellent gatherer and our nest was going to be the best nest on the street.

It wasn’t particularly busy so all three female staff helped me and fluffed around, a bit like a chick fest in a hen house. Oh my, one said, Someone’s rejuvenating their home! I suddenly felt compelled to give them the whole history on how I met Dave, how wonderful he was, how in love we were and that he’d given me his card to go shopping with when suddenly his card was declined. They said, ‘Just ring this lovely man of yours, it’s probably a wrong number in the PIN.’

After explaining to him his card was declined he asked how much was the purchase. Everyone along the North Coast would’ve then heard him yell $2000 F#cking dollars!

‘Babe, I thought you were going to spend maybe $200.’ I was to find out later he wasn’t in the best of moods at that precise moment as he was stomping home barefooted up hills, over prickles after driving to the point for a surf and locking his keys and wallet in the car.

The women heard me say, ‘Ok, I’m cooking chicken for dinner, yes with gravy. I love you, (pause) no I love you more.’ They all looked relieved and said, He’s all good now? I said, Yes all good. I didn’t tell them he’d already hung up on me ages ago.

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